The Evolving Patronus
by avanns
Summary: It's been eighteen years since Lilian Lavender last spoke to Sirius Black. Now that she has been inducted into the Order of the Phoenix, not only will she have to come to terms with Voldemort's return, but also having to speak to the man who broke her heart many years ago.
1. Chapter 1: A Letter

It had been exactly six days since she had gotten the owl from Albus Dumbledore. Upon the parchment scrawled neatly in emerald ink was the following:

_Miss Lavender,_

_I would be delighted if you could join me for tea on August the 6th at seven o'clock._

_Best Regards,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

The message had been a simple one but considering that Lilian hadn't been in contact with the Headmaster since her time at Hogwarts nearly eighteen years ago, it struck her as odd and she had a feeling that this meeting would not be pleasant one.

Indeed, she was right. While it surely was wonderful to see Albus after so many years, their exchange in pleasantries died away as quickly as they began. Before he even opened his mouth to speak further, she saw it in his eyes. She knew what he was going to say before he even spoke – she heard it whispered everywhere. At first Lilian did not want to believe it, but out of the mouth of Dumbledore, her worst fears came flooding back.

Voldemort was alive and gaining power.

As he explained everything to her – what Harry Potter had experienced, Voldemort's rebirth, and the Death Eaters – a vicious wave of fear, sorrow, and anger rose inside of her. Lilian hardly even noticed when the ginger snap she was holding crumbled to the floor in a heap of crumbs from the extreme amount of pressure she had been unconsciously exerting onto it.

After she recovered from the initial shock of the news, the purpose of their meeting now became clear to her. Albus Dumbledore needed her service and thus Lilian was called forth to join the Order of the Phoenix. After having experience horrifying things firsthand in the First Wizarding War, there was absolutely no way that she could refuse him. Memories of the War flashed before her eyes – her lime green Healer's robes soaked in a dying wizard's blood, a young witch screaming for her dead mother. These nightmarish memories were ones that she could never forget. She looked up at him, her voice slightly quavering but defiant, and accepted without hesitation.

But of course there was a little more, which he saved for last. The accused murderer, Sirius Black, was innocent and part of the Order. It felt as if her heart had sank into her stomach. She hadn't spoken to Sirius since she was in her Seventh Year at Hogwarts. Once close friends and lovers, she and Sirius had a falling out in their last year at Hogwarts. Doubling back to the greenhouse one sunny afternoon because she had left her Herbology book behind, Lilian had walked in on Sirius heatedly kissing another girl. She refused to speak with him from then on and had never forgiven him. Knowing that she would have to see him on a regular basis after eighteen years of attempting to forget it ever happened made her feel nauseous.

Now she knew why Albus had saved that part for last.

At the end of their meeting Albus informed her where the next meeting would take place – Number 12 Grimmauld Place, just three days from then. She solemnly thanked him and left.

She had only three days. Three days to think over everything that Albus had told her. Three days to come to terms with the fact that Voldemort was back and gaining power. Three days to prepare herself for seeing Sirius Black again.


	2. Chapter 2: The Meeting

_This was such a bad idea. Such a bad idea. I wonder if I can just turn around now. Oh, this is such a-_

Lilian Lavender's thoughts were cut off as the door to Number 12 Grimmauld Place swung open, revealing a smiling Molly Weasley.

"Oh, Lilian dear, please come in!" Molly exclaimed excitedly, ushering her over the threshold into an extremely damp and dark hallway. As soon as Molly shut the door behind her, she brought Lilian into a tight hug. "I haven't seen you in ages! What's it been, four or five years? Arthur is going to be so happy to see you! How's St. Mungo's, dear? Oh, never mind that now. Shall we have some tea first?"

"Er– yes please Molly, that would be wonderful," Lilian said. It was a rather chilly out for an August evening and Lilian welcomed the thought of a warm cup of earl gray. Molly beckoned her forward straight ahead and Lilian treaded carefully, as it was quite hard to see in the dark hallway. She eyed the outlines of odd sculptures and decorations on the walls – serpents, ornate candelabra, and… were those heads of house elves? Lilian didn't have time to glance back, as she and Molly went through the rickety door in front of them, revealing a large, dimly lit kitchen with a large table. Lilian let out a sigh of relief when she realized that the kitchen was empty, save for her and Molly.

_Maybe that means he isn't even here._

It looked as if this house hadn't been used for many years. Spider webs clung to the ceiling and green paint was chipping off the extremely dusty walls. The kitchen table and chairs looked so decrepit that Lilian thought they must be held together with some sort of spell. The sudden clink of China on the table made her look over and she spotted the glass of steaming tea Molly had made for her.

Lilian smiled. "Thank you, Molly," she said, walking over to the table and selecting a seat that faced the door. She winced as she sat down, hoping the creaking chair wouldn't break under her weight.

"So," Lilian said, smiling warmly. _I've got to pretend that I don't mind this at all. I'm not bothered that I'm going to see him tonight. Not at all._ "Whose place is this? It's quite… interesting. It looks as if it hasn't seen much in the past decade."

Molly looked up, waiting a moment to speak. "Ah, well," she began, her eyes darting away for a fraction of a second. She looked reluctant to answer. Lilian bit the inside of her lip. If that hadn't been an answer, she didn't know what was. "Well, er– this is Sirius's house, dear."

_I knew this was a bad idea._

It seemed as if Molly added 'dear' to the end to soften her answer. How Lilian felt about Sirius wasn't a secret. Before Lilian had a chance to respond, Molly hastily changed the subject.

"You've changed your hair since I saw you last. You're looking beautiful," Molly smiled softly, trying her best to look as if she never said Sirius' name.

Lilian smiled, the compliment Molly had given her driving thoughts of Sirius from her mind for the moment. "Thank you. You're very kind, Molly."

Though she was thirty-five years old, Lilian didn't look a day older than twenty-eight. Her young appearance came from her mother, Miranda Lavender. Up until the day she died, people mistook her for Lilian's older sister.

Lilian's eyes were large, almond shaped, and a color that closely resembled chestnut. Slightly frizzy from the rainy weather, her hair was healthy and full of soft curls that reached just above her elbows. For the moment her hair was white blonde and she had bewitched the ends to fade to baby pink, though she was known to change her hair color frequently. She stood at 5' 4" and had a slim but shapely figure on which she wore a simple, knee-length black dress that had collar lined with brown fur, and boots that reached just below her knees. Thick cherry-colored robes were draped over her narrow shoulders. If there was one defining feature she had received from her father, it was her pale skin. She refused to acknowledge this though, because she held a deep-seeded loathing for him. Lilian was considered pretty by many, but couldn't help thinking that maybe her legs were too lanky, or her ears too small.

"How's work at St. Mungo's?" Molly inquired, taking a sip of her still steaming tea. Her eyes twinkled, clearly thinking something humorous. "I heard about the poor old bloke that accidentally gave himself wings that sprouted out of his ears." She let out a laugh. "Arthur says that he shouldn't have been messi–" She was abruptly cut off by a nearby voice.

"Molly, do you know if we have any more Butterbeer?" shouted a voice in the hallway. A man burst through the kitchen door, a look of determination on his face. "I've just thought, how about we–" He stopped. Lilian looked up and it seemed as if time slowed to a halt.

She found herself staring into the gray eyes of Sirius Black.

Time in Azkaban had not been kind to Sirius. There was a permanent exhaustion in his eyes. With the light shining down on him from above, his skin looked pale, as if he hadn't seen sunlight in a very long time. The dark brown, shoulder length wavy hair that framed his lined face had streaks of shining gray throughout it, as did his goatee. He was smartly dressed in a worn black velvet jacket and dark purple collared shirt which was tucked into forest green pants. The thing that surprised Lilian the most was that even though he was much older and a bit more disheveled since the last time she had seen him, he was still quite handsome.

Lilian had only a moment to take in Sirius' appearance before she suddenly felt nauseous as a rush of memories came flooding to her mind. She saw a young Sirius laughing back at Hogwarts, a bright smile on his handsome face. He was giving her a large box of chocolate frogs while James Potter teased him about having a girlfriend. There she was walking with him to Charms, giggling at a joke he just told her. And there she was again, walking into the greenhouse, seeing him kissing that Gryffindor girl. Lilian hadn't dared think about these memories, but seeing those tired gray eyes had brought them all back. She suddenly felt very angry.

It hadn't occurred to her that at least a minute had gone by where she and Sirius stared at each other without saying a word. In her anger, she had reached into her pocket and gripped her wand tightly without even realizing it. When she realized she had done this, she tried to nonchalantly put her hand back onto the table. Sirius continued to stare at her. Lilian couldn't discern the look that was in his eyes. Molly opened her mouth to speak but Lilian spoke first.

"Well are you just going to stare at me like a prat or get on with what you were saying?" Lilian spat, venom dripping from every word. It was the first thing she said to him in eighteen years and she immediately regretted saying something so harsh, but was determined to not let it show. She sat up straight, staring resolutely at him. Sirius looked taken aback but quickly recovered.

"It's nice to see you as well, Lilian." he said slowly, seeming unsure of whether to take another step into the kitchen. Molly quickly sprang up, smoothing her skirt in a nervous fashion. She walked over to the counter.

"I'll just go ahead and make you a cup of tea as well, Sirius," she said calmly but there was a hint of panic in her voice. Sirius didn't speak but cautiously walked over to the table and took a seat opposite Lilian. "Oh, it looks like I'm out of tea. I'll just go upstairs and look for more!" Lilian looked to Molly as if begging her to stay but she avoided Lilian's eyes and bustled out of the room. Lilian thought she heard a sigh of relief from the hallway as she glanced over to the counter, where she could clearly see loose tea leaves peeking out from behind the teakettle.

A few moments of silence passed until Sirius turned to her and forced an awkward smile. "Well, er– it really is nice to see you. It's been a long time," he said, running a hand through his untidy graying hair. There was a hopeful look in his eyes. "You're looking wonderful."

Lilian shot him a warning look. "Look Sirius, I didn't come to make friends with you," she said stiffly, clenching her tea cup. "I'm here on Albus' request. I'm not interested in tying up loose ends."

"Lilian," Sirius began softly as Lilian gripped her tea cup tighter. When she didn't protest, he continued. "I've done a lot of thinking about what happened to us back at Hogwarts ever since Albus told me you were joining the Order. I've been hoping to apologi-"

"Didn't you hear what I just said?" Lilian asked, cutting him off. She caught Sirius' eye and felt her face flush with heat. He was half-smiling, his rough fingers interlocked on the table, looking oddly nonchalant. Lilian stared stupidly at him until she realized what she was doing. "I-'m not interested!" she said clumsily, getting up so suddenly that her chair almost fell to the floor. She caught it as it started to topple backwards but almost tripped herself in the process. Grabbing hold of the table, she steadied herself. Sirius let out a hearty laugh as her face turned a darker shade of pink.

"Watch yourself now," he said chuckling, watching her advancing towards the door. "Leaving when you just got here, then?"

Lilian bristled, snatched her robes up from around her feet and hurried towards the door. Another moment alone with Sirius and she would probably hex him out of spite. Just as she reached for the door it swung open, nearly smashing her straight in the nose. Luckily she was able to jump back just in time.

"What in Merlin's beard-" she exclaimed angrily, but as she realized who had entered the kitchen her anger evaporated. Remus Lupin was smiling broadly at her. Lilian let out a happy cry, flinging her arms around him. "Remus!" After exchanging a warm embrace, she stepped back and smiled brightly back at him. It had been at least a year since she had seen her old friend and he was certainly a welcome sight. He looked quite dapper even though his clothes were shabby and fraying at the hems. Sirius' smile faded when he saw how warmly she greeted Remus and a sour, displeased look replaced it.

"Lilian! I thought I heard you down here," Remus said, glancing over to a now moody Sirius then back at the still smiling witch. "It's great to see you. I see you two have uh– been talking."

"If you can even call it that," Sirius mumbled angrily, getting up from the table and stalking out of the kitchen, slamming the door loudly behind him. Remus frowned and looked over at Lilian who had a determined satisfaction in her eyes. He raised an eyebrow, staring at her. She had a triumphant smile on her face, looking as if she had just won the wizarding chess championships.

"You realize it's been eighteen years, don't you?" Remus said, eyeing her closely. Lilian pursed her lips at his comment but said nothing. Remus had never once mentioned Sirius during their entire post-Hogwarts friendship. "He's been worrying about what he was going to say to you all week. You ought to give him a break."

Her brown eyes flared with anger. She felt her heart start racing again, but she tried to calm herself. "Give him a _break_? Really, Remus? After what he did? I wouldn't give him _anything_, even for a thousand Galleons."

"If you just let him apologize-"

"Why in bloody hell would I do that Rem-"

"You didn't see how he was this week, Lilian. He was pretty upset about it-"

"I don't care whether he's upset! It's just blood ridicu-"

Once again the door opened and Lilian let out an annoyed, exasperated sigh at being cut off again. It was Molly, looking much less panicked than she had been earlier. If she realized they had been arguing, she showed no sign of it. "Come you two, the meetings nearly beginning! Lilian, you have a couple of new people to meet." Lilian shot a look at Remus, as if daring him to continue his protests. He kept quiet but looked unsatisfied. Lilian gave another triumphant smile and followed Molly out of the kitchen with Remus trailing after her.

After being introduced to the remaining Order members that she didn't already know, Lilian felt in a much better mood. Leading up to the meeting, she chatted with Tonks, desperately trying not to think of Sirius. When everyone began to seat themselves, Lilian found herself a seat which conveniently happened to be the furthest away from Sirius. The meeting lasted for about an hour and Lilian was filled in on everything that the Order had been doing since the beginning. She listened intently, palms sweating from her nerves. When the meeting was finally over she felt positively exhausted. There was so much that needed to happen in so little time… how were they ever going to succeed…

"Lilian, dear? Did you hear what I said?" Lilian looked up suddenly, just now realizing how absorbed she had been in her thoughts. Molly was looking at her questioningly from across the table. Most of the Order had left the room already. Lilian shook her head and Molly smiled softly. "Would you like to stay for dinner? We're having potato soup and sausage tonight."

Lilian hated turning Molly down but having dinner in the vicinity of Sirius Black sounded absolutely dreadful, especially after her first Order meeting. After saying goodbye to everyone (except Sirius, whom she ignored), Lilian apparated with a loud _crack_ back into her dark, cozy living parlor. Sighing heavily, she made her way into the bedroom, collapsing in exhaustion onto her bed. She closed her eyes and furrowed her brow in frustration. Not only was she furious about her situation with Sirius, but she was also fighting a foreboding sense of dread that threatened to overtake her. Voldemort really was back. There was a flurry of emotions inside of her and suddenly her bedroom felt very alone and dark. Pulling a crumpled blanket off the floor, Lilian threw it over herself and curled up underneath it, feeling positively miserable. It wasn't until very late into the night that she was finally able to drift off into a restless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3: Bad Blood

For the next couple of days after her first meeting with Sirius and the Order, Lilian felt it was near impossible to concentrate at work. The previous afternoon, instead of ridding a befuddled witch of the dragon-like scales that had sprouted all over her arms, she instead multiplied them tenfold before apologizing and reversing the damage. Needless to say, she was elated at the prospect of having two full days away from St. Mungo's when she left work on Friday evening. As quickly as her excitement came, it faded when she remembered that her second meeting with the Order was the following afternoon. Not only was she dreading seeing Sirius again, but for Merlin-knows-what reason she had agreed to take part in the cleaning of the Order's headquarters after the meeting. On Wednesday when she had been out in Diagon Alley shopping for a couple of new quills and a winter cloak, Lilian had run into Molly, who was buying various potions for pest repellent. Lilian regretted inquiring what the potions were going to be used for, because ten minutes later she found herself begrudgingly agreeing to help clean upon Molly's insistence. She was already beginning to wonder what excuse she could use to get herself out of the promise she made.

_Maybe I could say that I don't feel well. No, she'll never fall for that. Hmm, how about... I've got a bad case of garden gnomes that I've got to take care of! No, that's a bloody stupid excuse if I've ever heard one._

When Lilian returned home that evening, the butterflies that were fluttering in her stomach only got worse. She was absolutely dreading the next day and couldn't seem to focus on anything else but Sirius. After dressing in nightclothes and throwing together a batch of pumpkin soup for dinner, Lilian picked a book at random from her bookshelf, which happened to be one of her favorites – _Magical Flowers &amp; Shrubs For Your Garden_. She plopped onto her couch, determined to concentrate on anything else but her growing dread. For a while she tried to convince herself that she was reading, but after reading the same passage about beetle eating lilies fourteen times without taking in a word, she slammed the book shut and let out a loud groan.

"This is ridiculous. I'm going to bed," she spat in frustration to her empty parlor, as if she was expecting someone to protest. Throwing the book across the room, she stalked off to her bedroom and flopped herself face first onto her bed. Thoughts were racing through her mind so fast that she hardly even had time to make sense of them. Should she have given Sirius a chance to apologize? She could see Remus' face looking disapprovingly at her and he was babbling about how it had been such a long time and that she should just get over it. Shaking her head quickly to erase his image, she turned over and stared at the ceiling, sprawling herself out over the bed carelessly.

_No! Shut up, Remus! I'm not going to listen to anything that git has to say, s_he thought stubbornly, closing her eyes and extinguishing the light with a lazy swish of her wand. After a little while of lying there on her bed, her thoughts became sluggish and she began to drift off to sleep. _I dunno, maybe I should just forgive him... It's been eighteen years, just like Remus said. _Before she could protest to her own thoughts, Lilian slipped off into a deep sleep.

The next morning, a ray of sunshine peeking out from around the curtains awoke Lilian from her slumber. She felt far more rested than she had the past couple of days and after getting up to make breakfast, it was as if time was passing extremely fast. By the time she finished eating and cleaning up, there was only an hour until she was to meet at Grimmauld Place. When it was time to pick out her outfit for the day, Lilian found it extremely difficult and spent at least twenty minutes agonizing over it. She would never, not even for all the Galleons in the world, admit to herself that it had taken so long because of Sirius Black. In the end she settled on a pair of black pantyhose over which she wore a simple, navy blue knee-length skirt and a white fitted blouse. She braided her hair carefully, clipping a white daisy to the end of the braid, and fastened short black boots onto her feet. Around her shoulders she draped her new, heavy black winter cloak and when she was finally satisfied with her appearance, she grabbed her wand and stuffed it into the hidden pocket of her skirt. Drawing her curtains closed, Lilian apparated to the Order's headquarters.

Lilian arrived with a _crack_ in the dingy kitchen of Number 12 Grimmauld place, where Tonks and Remus were already sitting. The first thing she noticed upon arriving was that Sirius wasn't in the kitchen, and that brightened her mood considerably.

"Good afternoon!" Lilian said cheerfully, seemingly surprising Remus who was looking at her warily as if he expected her to stomp off at any moment. Lilian eyed him carefully, raising an eyebrow. "What are you looking at me like that for, Remus?"

Remus smiled, ignoring her question completely. There was an impish glint in his eye that made Lilian uneasy. "Afternoon, Lilian. You're looking chipper. Come across a couple hundred Galleons on the way here, did you?" he said, and Lilian snorted, rolling her eyes. Before Remus could get another word out, she turned away from him towards Tonks who already had a wide smile on her face and was beckoning Lilian to sit down.

"Your outfit is adorable, Lilian!" Tonks said as Lilian unfastened her cloak and threw it over the chair beside the door. "You know what? You've suddenly inspired me to make a change." A look of concentration filled Tonk's face as her hair faded from dark green to bubble-gum pink. Tonks laughed heartily as Lilian's face spread into a smile. Lilian glanced over at Remus, who was admiring Tonks in a dream-like state, a look of longing in his eyes.

"Tonks, it's perfect. I think Remus likes it," Lilian quipped with a devious smile. "In fact, I think he loves it." Remus snapped out of his daydream at the sound of his name and looked slightly embarrassed. Avoiding Tonk's glance, he looked over at Lilian, the same glint from earlier returning to his eyes.

"Oh, I certainly do," Remus said nonchalantly, a smirk spreading across his face. "And I'm sure Sirius will love your _adorable_ outfit as well." Lilian narrowed her eyes, giving Remus a piercing glare. He continued, still smirking. "You know, why don't we just go ask him what he thinks? He's right down the hall, I'm sure he's _dying _to talk to you."

"If you don't be quiet I'm going to hex your mouth shut," Lilian snapped and Remus snorted, trying with great difficultly to hold back a laugh. Remus had known her for so long that he knew exactly how to push her buttons. Thinking about that only made Lilian more annoyed (which was inevitably part of his plan anyway) and she sighed in exasperation, opening her mouth to snap back at Remus, but she was cut off by Tonks who stood up suddenly, looking a bit awkward.

"Why don't we head to the meeting? It's about to start, anyway," Tonks said, hastily pulling Remus up from his chair. Lilian turned on her heels and left the kitchen without another word, feeling positively cross. She walked briskly down the hall to the meeting room and turned the corner so fast that she slammed into someone who was entering the hallway from the door beside her. Lilian squealed in surprise as she toppled backwards into a heap on the floor with a loud thud. Looking up, she realized it was the last person in the world she wanted to run into – Sirius Black.

"Lilian, I'm so sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going," Sirius said hastily, holding out a hand to help her up. Lilian felt her face turn so hot that it most certainly had to be a deep shade of maroon. She completely ignored his gesture and stood up on her own (with some difficultly due to her skirt being tangled around her legs, which made her so embarrassed that she felt like melting through the floor), brushing the dust off her skirt and avoiding his eyes entirely. Sirius scoffed angrily and she could feel his gray eyes boring into the side of her face.

"You haven't changed at all, Lavender. Just as ridiculously stubborn as ever," he said coldly, striding off down the hallway, disappearing into the meeting room before Lilian could even get a word out. Lilian clenched her fists in frustration and stomped in after him, not even bothering to greet anyone on her way in. She crossed her arms and huffed angrily as she sank into a rickety wooden chair on the side of the room opposite Sirius. She refused to speak with anyone and even after the meeting ended (it was a rather short one this time, as Kingsley Shacklebolt only had a small report to give) she was reluctant to get up until Sirius had already left the room. She was hoping that she would be able to slip away before she ran into Molly, but sure enough, just as she was about to apparate, Molly strode over to her, looking extremely cheerful.

"Alright Lilian, let's get down to it. Thank you so much for agreeing to help clean up the place!" Molly exclaimed, clapping her hands together in excitement. "If we're going to use this place as a headquarters, we've got to get the place cleaned up, that's for sure!" Molly beckoned her to follow and Lilian reluctantly shuffled after her, still brooding over Sirius even though it had been at least thirty minutes since she had bumped into him. Molly lead her upstairs, down another damp hallway and into a dark room two doors down on the right. When they entered the room, Molly pulled open the curtains and the soft afternoon sun poured in as dust rained down on them, drifting lazily to the floor. It looked as if they were in some sort of tea-room, as there was a couch and a couple of chairs that circled a wide, round table where a tea set sat. There were several bookshelves and a glass cabinet, which were all covered in a thick layer of dust. The room had an old, musky smell.

"Right, well this room won't be so bad," she said, pointing towards a cluster of different shaped bottles on a table in the corner. "Those are your supplies. I bought some pretty potent grime remover, as the nasty stuff doesn't seem to want to come off. And watch out for that closet over there; Remus says there might be a boggart in there." She smiled, turning to leave the room. "If you need me, just give a shout! I'll be a couple of rooms down dealing with some doxies that have made a nest in the curtains."

When Molly left, Lilian turned to examine the room once more. After coming up with a couple more ridiculous plans she fleetingly thought might persuade Molly to let her leave, she resigned herself to clean as she had promised. Sighing with defeat, she picked up a rag and doused it in _Mrs. Pudgeworth's Grime-Be-Gone_ and got to scrubbing the windows. As she scrubbed, her mind wandered to Sirius' comment from earlier and she suddenly began scrubbing the windows with extreme vigor. At one point she was scrubbing the glass with such force that she was sure they were going to shatter.

Once the windows were clean to Lilian's satisfaction, she stepped back and surveyed her work. Though she had only finished cleaning a fraction of the room, she already felt exhausted from the angry enthusiasm with which she had worked. Sighing, she turned to grab another bottle of grime-be-gone, but gave a surprised squeak when she saw Sirius standing there, leaning against the doorframe, surveying her.

"What in Merlin's beard are you doing?" Lilian asked crossly. "You're going to give me a heart attack!"

"I thought you might want some help," Sirius said coolly, the corner of his mouth twitching as he strained to ignore her rude response. His eyes met hers and when he smiled, Lilian's face flushed. She hated to admit it, but he really was quite handsome, just as he had been in school. His gray eyes twinkled as he smiled, as if he could hear what she had thought. "How about it then?"

"No," she said firmly. "I'm pretty sure I can handle it myself."

"You sure about that, Lavender? You've barely made a dent in this room and you're already looking dreadful," he said, smirking playfully. As much as Lilian hated to admit it, he was right. She hadn't wanted to clean in the beginning and after her window-cleaning escapade, she was ready to call it a day. Under no circumstances would she tell him though. Instead she stood up taller and put on a determined face.

"I'm getting along just fine, thanks," she spat. "Will you just leave?"

"No, I won't. Besides, this is my house," he said, pushing himself off the doorframe. He grabbed a rag and a bottle and took a few steps to meet her. Lilian huffed angrily and crossed her arms, looking up at him. His smile was so big that he looked like he was going to burst into laughter at any moment. For a split second she could see a youthful Sirius smiling at her, but when she blinked next, the memory was gone.

"Fine then, I suppose you're right," she mumbled, snatching up a bottle of cleaning solution and rag from the nearby table. Walking over to a nearby glass cabinet, Lilian began wiping away the half-inch dust that sat on its surface. Behind her, she could hear Sirius beginning to scrub the coffee table. For a long while they cleaned in silence, until the sound of her rag scrubbing against the glass started ringing in her ears. Lilian had never felt more awkward in her entire life – she was part of a secret society where one of her first duties was to do chores in the presence of her former boyfriend and to make matters worse, they weren't even speaking. The silence was so thick that she almost felt as if she was drowning in it. In the absence of conversation, Lilian's thoughts sounded louder in her head. What was Sirius playing at by just sitting here cleaning with her? What could he possibly gain from this?

"I suppose you've come to apologize, then?" Lilian blurted out, trying to sound nonchalant though she felt rather stupid for saying anything at all. The sound of Sirius' rag moving across the coffee table didn't stop and he didn't skip a beat in his answer.

"Nope," he said, so matter-of-factly that she stopped wiping and turned towards him. When he realized she had done this, he looked up at her with interest, ceasing his cleaning. She stared at him with her mouth half open, feeling both confused and annoyed.

"What? Why not?" she asked stupidly, before she could stop herself. Sirius smiled, the same devious twinkle in his eye as earlier.

"So you want me to?" Sirius said, smiling.

Lilian looked away as she felt her face flush again. She had a feeling that she had just walked into his trap, as if he had been waiting for her to. "You're impossible. You haven't changed one bit." Even though she was visibly annoyed, he was still smiling. Lilian huffed angrily again. "Why are you even here anyway?"

Sirius stood up and surveyed her. Though Lilian tried, she couldn't discern the look that was in his gray eyes. It looked as if the gears in his mind were working in overdrive. For a moment she thought she saw a flash of pain but it was gone as fast as it came. His face suddenly cracked into a wider smile, though she wasn't entirely sure of its validity.

"You were a much better kisser than she was," Sirius said slyly in an almost playful tone, as if he were expecting Lilian to laugh. Instead he received the exact opposite reaction; Lilian now looked, and felt, enraged. When he realized this, his smile faded almost instantly.

"Was that supposed to be a joke?" Lilian asked through clenched teeth. Her piercing stare was fixed pointedly at Sirius, who now looked wary. Her heart was racing and felt as if water was boiling inside of her, threatening to tip over. When he didn't respond, she continued in a low, dangerous voice. "How dare you have the audacity to speak to me about kissing _her_!"

"I was just playing around, trying to lighten the mood a bit-"

"_Lighten the mood_?" Lilian shouted incredulously, spitting out the words with such force that Sirius looked taken aback. Her fists were clenched so hard that her knuckles were white and her whole body was trembling with rage. "Lighten the bloody mood!" A slightly mad sounding laugh erupted from Lilian's lips. "Do you think this is a joke, Sirius? Do you think I've forgotten how you betrayed my trust?"

"I haven't forgotten, Lilian," Sirius said pleadingly, taking a step towards her. "I've been trying to apologize but you haven't exactly been receptive to me. I know you're angry, but can we please just talk about thi-"

"Do you even know how badly you hurt me?" Lilian bellowed, cutting Sirius off. Words began spilling from her mouth that she hadn't ever spoken out loud to anyone. She couldn't admit these things to Sirius Black, but here she was in his house, telling him things she hardly dared admit to herself. She was so overcome with anger that she couldn't stop herself from yelling. There was only one other moment in her life where she had ever felt angrier than she did now.

"I'd been nothing but loyal to you, and you repay me by getting with another girl! I've spent the last eighteen years trying to convince myself into thinking you never meant anything to me. You were my best friend. I loved you, Sirius!" Lilian broke off at this, choking back a sob. She looked away, trying to blink back the tears that were forming in her eyes. Her last four words brought a silence in which both of them said nothing for a long time. Finally, Lilian looked back to Sirius. At that moment she realized how exhausted he looked. Her words had eaten away at the last of his playful demeanor. He no longer looked like the youthful, mischievous Sirius she had known in school. Standing before her was a man who had spent twelve long, agonizing years in Azkaban. He looked conflicted, as if stuck between wanting to yell back at her or comfort her.

"Is this how it's going to be between us from now on, then? Are we just going to fight, or are you going to give me a chance?" Sirius asked quietly.

"There is no _us_. There's me, and there's you. That's it," Lilian said, still trying to hold back her tears. What she said had clearly hit Sirius hard. His face twisted with something ugly that looked distinctly like sorrow and pain. He looked into her eyes and there was a pleading shadow there, as if he were asking her to take back what she said. Lilian looked away from him and said nothing, but for the second time since seeing Sirius again, she regretted saying something so harsh to him. Without another word, Sirius turned on his heels and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him so hard that Lilian wouldn't have been surprised if it had cracked down the middle. Dust rained down from the ceiling as silence filled the room – a silence so immense that Lilian could almost hear the blood flowing through her veins. It was so stifling that she couldn't stand to be in the house for a moment longer.

Lilian apparated back into her bedroom, reappearing at the edge of her bed. It was only early evening but with the curtains closed, her bedroom was masked in darkness. She stood completely still, hardly breathing. Sirius's pained expression still haunted her thoughts and she couldn't shake the awful feeling that her words had cut him deeper than any knife could. Her head was spinning; she felt nauseous. Looking down at her hands, Lilian realized that they were trembling horribly. Suddenly, she felt herself overcome with a sorrow that brought hot tears spilling down her cheeks and she crumpled to the floor in a disheveled mess, sobbing into her hands.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Hi everyone! I hope you're enjoying the story so far. I want to take a moment to thank the people who have favorited and also thank the followers I currently have. I really appreciate your support! Also, I want to give a shout out to the three people who have left me reviews so far. Thank you for leaving nice comments, you guys are wonderful. Stay tuned for Chapter Four, and in the mean time feel free to read/subscribe/review! :)


	4. Chapter 4: Facing the Shadows

_Tap. Tap. Tap tap tap._

Lilian rolled over, yawning sleepily as she opened her eyes and glanced towards the window to find the source of the tapping noise. A tawny brown owl was pecking furiously on her window, looking quite cross since he hadn't yet been let in. Throwing the covers off and jumping up quickly, Lilian unlatched the window and the owl flew in, landing on her bedside table. There was a small note attached to his leg by a leather strap. Undoing the knot, she took the note from the owl and unrolled the parchment. She instantly recognized Remus' untidy handwriting.

_Happy birthday, Lilian! Meet me at The Three Broomsticks at one o'clock. Lunch is on me._

–_R_

Lilian smiled. She had completely forgotten that it was her birthday. Between her argument with Sirius a week ago and her extremely hectic work week, she hadn't had much time to think about anything important let alone the fact that her birthday had been coming up. Remus had never once forgotten her birthday. Every year he sent her a letter, even if he couldn't see her.

"Ouch!" Lilian yelped as the post owl nipped at her hand. Looking up from the parchment, she saw that the owl was staring intently at her. He hooted in annoyance. "Oh, fine. Here." She dropped five knuts in the pouch on his leg and he was off, back out the window. Rolling the parchment back up, she placed it on her table and walked towards the open window. A cool breeze was coming through and it smelled like the beginnings of autumn. Looking out the window, she smiled serenely as she saw her plants swaying lazily in the morning sun.

A loud protesting growl sounded from Lilian's stomach and she frowned. Turning away from her window and walking to her kitchen, she grabbed a plate and helped herself to a large piece of treacle tart. Molly had sent it over the day after her fight with Sirius. She refused to eat it for a couple of days, but finally gave in to its alluring golden crust the evening before. Sitting down on the windowsill in the small nook in her kitchen, she began to eat. It had been six days since she had been able to relax like this. The day after her encounter with Sirius, Lilian chose to go into work because she couldn't stand being alone in her house having to think about what had happened. The next five days after had been her regular workweek it was incredibly busy, as per usual. Now that it was Saturday again, she finally had a chance to take a breath and sit down for more than five minutes.

Though Lilian always welcomed two days off from St. Mungo's, she was now wishing that she was back at work. She had pushed the incident with Sirius to the back of her mind and wasn't very keen on revisiting it, though she now found herself reliving it in her mind. As she chewed her treacle tart, she couldn't help but think about the pain she had seen in his face when she shouted at him. Lilian not only regretted the fact that she had been so horrible to him, but also that she told Sirius she had loved him. The treacle tart suddenly tasted very sour as these memories came back and she pushed it aside, getting up from her perch on the windowsill.

_I need to do something else besides sit here and wallow. I've got to get out of the house. I think I'll go buy myself a birthday present._

Feeling satisfied and invigorated with her idea, Lilian smiled and went to change out of her nightclothes. She picked out a simple, knee-length maroon dress and black flats paired with her favorite lavender cloak. After one look-over of her outfit and deciding she was satisfied, Lilian put her wand into the pocket of her cloak and latched her window shut. Closing her eyes, she focused on one point in her mind: Diagon Alley. With a loud _crack_, she apparated and suddenly felt the cool breeze of the outdoors. When she opened her eyes she found herself in exactly where she wanted to be.

Lilian took to wandering the streets of Diagon Alley, stopping in numerous shops including Flourish and Blotts, where she purchased several books on gardening. By the time she finished shopping, it was already time to meet Remus for lunch. With another loud _crack_, she apparated and appeared in front of The Three Broomsticks and stepped inside. There were many people crammed into the tiny pub and it took her a moment to spot Remus, who had taken a seat against the wall by the window. He waved her over to the table. When she reached him, he stood up and greeted her with a hug.

"Happy birthday, Lilian," Remus said warmly as he took his seat. "How old are you now? This must be your three-hundredth birthday, at least."

Lilian snorted and rolled her eyes. "Ha, very funny Remus. Doesn't that make you just as old?" She shrugged off her cape onto the bench and placed the bag beside her and sat down. Remus had already gotten food, which to Lilian's nearly empty stomach, looking incredibly appetizing. "You really went all out this time! And if you don't mind, I'm going to go ahead on this pie." Lilian was already putting a rather large slice on her plate by the time she finished her sentence. She immediately took a bite–it was so soft that it almost melted in her mouth. She wanted to savor the taste, but her stomach protested so she ate a couple more bites in quick succession.

Remus chuckled as he watched her hungrily stuffing pie in her mouth. "You'd think you've never eaten before."

Lilian looked up and shrugged, continuing on her pie. After she swallowed the last bite, she sighed happily. "I didn't realize how hungry I was until I saw that pie. All I had for breakfast was a piece of treacle tart."

"Treacle tart for breakfast? I guess it is your birthday," Remus said with a smile.

The rest of the lunch went as wonderfully as Lilian could hope it would. They talked about what they had been doing for the past year, laughing and joking as if they had never been apart. Lilian was grateful that neither Sirius nor Voldemort was brought up. It was refreshing for Lilian to be in a state of happiness like this, however short it might be. She knew when she went home she would be alone and forced to face her situation with Sirius, but at least now she could be in the company of one of her best friends. After several hours (and several butterbeers), Lilian took her cloak in her lap and smiled warmly at Remus.

"Thank you so much for the lovely lunch Remus, but I'd better get going. Even though it's my birthday, I've got some gardening to do," she said, and had begun to stand up when Remus put his hand on hers.

"Wait–there's something I need to talk to you about, Lilian," Remus said with hesitation, his smile fading into a nervous frown. Lilian blinked for a moment and then sat down slowly. He pulled back and placed his hands in his lap after she had taken her seat once more.

"Yeah, what is it? Is something wrong?" Lilian asked, her eyes not leaving Remus' face. He had a cautious look in his eyes, as if he were stuck between two paths, unsure of which to take. Lilian felt her stomach twist into a knot. Knowing Remus, this had to be something extremely important and she had a feeling she knew what this was about.

"It's... well, it's about–_Sirius_," he said finally, lowering his voice to a whisper as he said Sirius' name. Her face turned sour and she felt the knot in her stomach twist horribly.

"Really Remus, you're going to bring this up right now?" she whispered angrily. "I don't want to talk–"

"Shut up for a bloody second, Lilian. I'm sick of this!" Remus hissed, cutting her off. Lilian was caught off guard by his angry response and became quiet. Remus took advantage of her brief silence and began again. "Sorry, but that's the only way I can get your attention. You won't listen to a thing I say because you're so damn stubborn. No–don't cut me off, Lilian. You're going to listen to what I have to say." He paused and Lilian pursed her lips in anger but didn't protest. Remus sighed.

"Thank you. This fighting with–_him_–has got to stop. You hadn't spoken to him in eighteen years! Do you know how long that is? You're being ridiculous. No–Lilian, shut up for a damn second!" Remus' voice was rising in anger and several people were looking over. He lowered his voice when he realized this and continued, refusing to acknowledge Lilian's protests. "He's changed Lilian. He feels terrible for what he did to you back in school. You'd realize that if you'd give him a chance. Did I mention that it's been _eighteen years_?"

"You don't understand how badly he's hurt me, Remus. You don't–" Lilian began, trying to sound angry but her protest was rather weak willed. Her fingers were clenched on the edge of the table in an attempt to stave off a wave of nausea. Her heart felt as if it were going to burst out of her chest. No, she couldn't talk about this here. She hadn't ever faced these feelings before–after having them locked up for so long, she couldn't face them now, especially not in the middle of The Three Broomsticks.

"That's where you're wrong, Lilian. I do understand. Do you think I'm ignorant to how you feel? I've known you for a long time, Lilian. I'm not blind or stupid. You haven't had a boyfriend since him, and I know that you've had plenty of chances. It's always excuse after excuse for why you can't date someone. Too busy at work, not interested at the moment–what's next, you've got to tend to your garden? They're all bloody excuses, and I can see right through them," Remus paused as if he was waiting for Lilian to interrupt, but she was dead silent and unmoving, gripping the side of the table as if her life depended on it. Her face was pale as a ghost. When she didn't say anything, Remus continued. "I know that you loved him, Lilian. He loved you dearly as well. We all knew that–me, James, Lily. And even though he thought the world of you, he messed up. He cheated on you with another girl. We both know how you feel about it, but what about him? You haven't stopped to think about how horrible he feels about it, have you? He was devastated when he lost you. I'd never seen him in such bad shape before. He wouldn't speak to any of us for a long time after that, until I finally dragged him out of his house. But you haven't thought about that, have you?"

"I'm sorry I never spoke up sooner. In that, I've failed you as a friend. I've seen this haunting you since the moment it happened. I thought at first that you would be able to move on, but after a couple of years I realized you had decided to ignore it instead of face it. I decided to keep silent, but I can no longer stand aside. I hate seeing my two best friends fighting, especially when we've already got enemies. We have to focus our energies into defeating the real enemy: Voldemort. You've focused all of your energy on ignoring everything that happened between you and him in hopes that it will go away, but it won't. I know you're hurting Lilian but you don't have to be. Pain doesn't have to rule your life–I much prefer your beautiful smiling face. That pain will never go away until you decide to forgive him."

By the time Remus had finished talking, Lilian had tears streaming down her face. She began to sob quietly, burying her face in her hands. She was thankful that most of the patrons had left because she didn't want to be seen like this. Lilian felt overwhelmed with emotions that she had not felt to such a strong degree for a long time. Sorrow and guilt overtook her as she sobbed into her hands. She hadn't even noticed that Remus had taken a seat beside her and wrapped one arm around her shoulders. Remus had been right about everything. All of these years she had been haunted by what happened so long ago. She was never able to move on. Her method of dealing with the problem had been to push it so far back in her mind that she wouldn't have to truly deal with it. As she sobbed, she felt the weight of eighteen years of pain leaving her body. Though it hurt more than anything, hearing Remus say the things he did made her feel profoundly relieved. How she felt was finally out in the open and the weight that came off of her shoulders at that moment was immeasurable. Remus held her tightly and took her hand in his. She didn't know how long she cried but Remus didn't protest. He let her cry until she had no tears left and didn't take his arm away from around her even then. When she was at last capable of speech, her voice was shaky.

"Y-You're right, R-Remus. About everything," she said quietly. Remus didn't speak, but gave her hand a squeeze. Lilian didn't speak again until she was sure she wasn't going to burst into tears. "I've been a bloody fool, haven't I?"

"No, you'd be a bloody fool if you'd ignored everything that I said," he said softly. "I'm sorry I had to put you through this, but I could stand by no longer. Thank you for hearing me out."

Lilian looked up at Remus, a small smile appearing on her lips. "You didn't give me much of a choice, Remus."

Remus chuckled. "No, I guess I didn't. Here," he said, passing Lilian a handkerchief. She wiped the tear streaks from her cheeks and dried her eyes and nose. They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes until Lilian finally spoke once more.

"I... need some time to think," Lilian said in a tired voice. She was completely exhausted and there were a lot of things she needed to mull over. Remus squeezed Lilian's shoulder and smiled knowingly.

He didn't say anything but she saw in his eyes that he understood.

Author's Notes

Hello lovely readers! I want to take a moment to apologize profusely for the year lapse in updates. At the time I had a lot going on in my life which made it difficult for me to find time to write. I moved, began a new job, and got married! Now that things have settled back down, I'm gearing back up to continue this story. Chapter 5 is already in the works, so stay tuned. If you have time, please feel free to leave a review. Thanks again for your continued support! :) ~Avanns


	5. Chapter 5: The Apology

For the third time that night, Lilian woke with a start. Her body was covered in a cold sweat and she was twisted in a mess of covers. It was a challenge to untangle herself from the silk sheets, as her hands were shaking quite violently. After several moments she was able to extricate herself, and she was on her feet heading toward the living room. Clutching her chest as if trying to calm her frantic heart, Lilian sat down on the edge of her sofa and forced herself to catch her breath. Her rattling gasps filled the otherwise silent room. She gripped the cushion beneath her and stared into the darkness ahead.

_It was just a dream. A nightmare._

It was a nightmare that she hadn't relived in a very long time. It featured Remus and Sirius being tortured by Voldemort and his Death Eaters. And every time, over and over in her mind, she was forced to watch. After they were mutilated and very, _very_ dead, the Death Eaters turned toward her. She always woke up just as they put their grimy fingers on her arms. The first time she'd had the nightmare was shortly after her and Sirius had their falling out eighteen years before. Remus had a surprise visit from a disheveled Lilian that same night. She had showed up at his doorstep, sobbing uncontrollably. Lilian shivered as she relived the incident in her memory.

Lilian glanced over at the clock and then to her window where the soft orange glow of dawn was creeping over the edge of the horizon. Six o'clock in the morning. Though it had been twelve hours since she had left The Three Broomsticks following her birthday lunch with Remus, it felt like it had been years. The memory was already hazy in her mind. Mostly she remembered – _felt _– the aching sadness, the hollow feeling in her chest, and the intense sense of relief after experiencing the first two in succession. She thought of Remus. Knowing him, he was probably feeling a similar ache – an ache of guilt for putting Lilian through what he did, no matter how necessary it was, and the guilt of not speaking with her sooner. Lilian would have to meet with Remus privately to thank him (and tell him to stop blaming himself) when all of the drama was over. What he had done for her was beyond anything she could have asked for. Without Remus, today would have been just like the last one: a masquerade in happiness of which she was the star. But today she was forced to look in the mirror to accept the things she had been ignoring for a long time. All she had known for the past eighteen years were painful memories that clung to her like nightmares. Stepping out from of the shadow of those memories felt as if she was stepping out of a dark prison cell. The relief was almost overwhelming, but not unwelcome.

After the panic of her nightmare had passed, Lilian stood up. She was trembling; only now did she realize that she was freezing. She picked up a maroon blanket from the couch and wrapped it around her shoulders. With a light sigh, Lilian resigned herself to being awake. There was a strong chance she would be woken from an attempt to sleep by the same awful nightmare and she couldn't bear to experience it again. She couldn't take having to hear Remus and Sirius' screams anymore or it might drive her mad.

_Sirius..._

His name brought her back to the past afternoon at lunch with Remus. She had fought with herself all evening on whether she was going to apologize to Sirius. Her brain and half her heart said _yes_, but the other (stubborn) half said _no_. Lilian knew that one of her worst traits was her stubborn resolution. She frequently fought with herself over it. After a brief internal struggle, she finally admitted that Remus was right. There was no way that she could put all of her efforts into fighting Voldemort if she spent most of her time agonizing over Sirius. He'd seemed genuine in his efforts to try and tie up loose ends with Lilian, so she was hopeful that he would be receptive to her despite the fact that she'd acted horribly towards him on several occasions.

Lilian neglected breakfast all together and went straight to dressing. With a careful eye, she picked out a simple knee-length navy blue dress with a fur lined collar, under which she wore a pair of black tights. She slipped on a pair of tall, brown boots over her small feet, and her favorite cherry-colored robes sat about her shoulders. Lilian brushed her hair absentmindedly as she stared at herself in the mirror. Almond shaped eyes stared back at her. She looked as exhausted as she felt. She was physically ready to enter Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, but mentally she was hesitant. The more she stalled, the more nervous she felt. If she waited any longer her stubbornness would take over and she would be back in bed. Putting her brush down and closing her eyes, she pictured the dingy halls in her mind.

_This won't fix itself... here we go. Number Twelve Grimmauld Place!_

With a _crack!_ she apparated and found herself inside the threshold of the Order of the Phoenix's headquarters. Though it was very early morning, it was oddly quiet. The last few times she had been here the whole house had been a bustle. Now the house stood still and silent. She took a hesitant step forward and was greeted with the creaking of floorboards. After several indecisive steps, Lilian realized she had no idea where she was going. The only three rooms she knew of were the kitchen, the Order meeting room, and the tea room she had cleaned several days ago. Sirius could be in any of the three, or any of the other dozens of rooms. She fished her wand out from her skirt.

"_Lumos._"

The tip of her wand went alight with a soft glow. It illuminated a small area in front of her. She could see the outline of a door to her left. She walked forward, placing her hand on the cool metal of the knob and hesitated. How would she react if he was behind this door? Only now did she realize that she hadn't planned what she was going to say. Her heart raced as her mind revisited the moment when she saw Sirius for the first time since their Hogwarts days. His eyes had sparkled when he saw her, even if it had only lasted for seconds. The main thing she remembered was the pain she saw in his eyes when she snapped at him. Thinking of those things made her stomach twist into an uncomfortable knot and after several seconds of her fingers resting on the knob, she took the plunge and pushed open the door. _Empty,_ she thought with a sigh of relief. _One down, too many to go._ Her boots echoed throughout the deserted hallway and with each empty room she discovered, her nervous energy and sense of doubt increased. She began to rethink her decision to come to the house. Maybe it wasn't even a good idea that she was here at all. Maybe she could go back home and pretend that there was no Order of the Phoenix, that Voldemort was dead, and that she and Sirius had never begun speaking again. She could go back to living her comfortable lie and act as if nothing was wrong. Work would pass the days, weeks, years and she would become complacent with her life without ever having to confront anything...

"Lilian?"

A familiar voice brought her out of her thoughts. She looked up to see Sirius standing at the bottom of the stairs, a mingled look of surprise and confusion on his face. After their last fall-out, Lilian expected him to be angry; but there wasn't any hint of aggression on his handsome features. He stepped forward and tapped the light mounted on the wall. It illuminated most of the hallway. She glanced down at her own wand, feeling a bit foolish as she de-illuminated it and stowed it back in her skirt pocket. Lilian caught his eyes when she looked back up and felt her heart flutter nervously. Sirius was eyeing her with a guarded curiosity. They stood in silence for a few moments until he spoke up awkwardly. "Er– if you don't mind me asking, why are you here? It's seven in the morning."

"Well, I um – Do you have any tea?" Lilian spat out the first thing that came to mind, dodging his question completely. _Real smooth, Lilian. Clearly getting this one off to a great start,_ she cursed inwardly. Sirius blinked at her, clearly confused, but said nothing and beckoned her to follow. He led them to the kitchen and busied himself with the kettle while Lilian took a seat at the rickety old kitchen table. Her thoughts were working in overdrive with each one passing so quickly that she hardly had time to process it. Before she knew it there was a steaming cup of tea being presented to her. She thanked Sirius as he took a seat beside her with a cup of his own. He turned the chair towards her and leaned back, running a hand through his unkempt, wavy hair. He studied her for several seconds before letting out a long sigh.

"What are you doing here, Lilian?" Sirius asked tiredly. "If you're going to yell or stomp around, just get it over with so I can go back to bed."

"I came here," Lilian said carefully, ignoring his comment. "To apologize."

Sirius' facial expression didn't change but the corner of his lip twitched. He stared at her for a long moment before he spoke and she could tell by the tense way he was gripping his tea cup that he was frustrated and irritated, which Lilian assumed was a direct result of her being there. "Oh really? How very charming," he said, his words thick with sarcasm.

"Yes, really," Lilian replied, struggling to keep a patient tone. When Sirius made no attempt at a reply, she continued. "Would you like to hear what I've got to say?"

"No, not particularly," Sirius said flatly.

"I'm not fighting you on this," Lilian said, a little more desperate than she had wanted. Her heart was pounding so hard that she was sure Sirius could hear it. "I came here to apologize and that's what I'm going to do, whether you want me to or not. I know what you're going to say – that I've been ridiculous and that I don't deserve this opportunity but I already _know_ all of that. I don't need you to reiterate it. I just need you to _listen_."

Sirius said nothing. There was no turning back at this point – it felt almost insurmountable to tackle all of the anger and frustration she had built up over the last eighteen years, but she had to start somewhere. The only way she could move forward with her life was to speak with total transparency, which was the source of her apprehensiveness and hesitation. All of these years she had barely admitted these feelings to herself and now she was here to share them with Sirius. Even sitting in front of him, thinking about it, made her feel exposed and uncomfortable. She clasped her hands in her lap to hide the fact that they were trembling horribly and even though she wasn't ready or prepared, Lilian opened her mouth and began to speak. She struggled with the first several sentences but the words came easier as she spoke.

"You know as well as anyone that I'm not great with this kind of stuff. I've never been eloquent and apologies are difficult for me because I'm so damned stubborn. Like I said, I know I have a lot of flaws. Stubbornness is one, as you and the rest of the world are well aware. I'm impatient, short-tempered, selfish, and unforgiving. It's a terrible combination of things, but I'm trying to deal with it. What I'm about to say, Sirius... I don't want you to pity me. I put myself into this situation by making the decision to cut you out of my life instead of accepting that you made a mistake. A terrible, awful mistake but still a _mistake_. I ignored all of your apology letters. I refused to see you no matter how many times you begged Remus to ask me. My heart felt like it was being ripped in two. Remus and Lily had to drag me kicking and screaming out of my room after I holed up there for weeks. I was too selfish and stubborn to even talk about it with anyone, even my two best friends, which made the whole situation incredibly hard to deal with. And then Lily and James died... I'm not even going to talk about that. After a while I just decided that I was going to ignore everything that had happened instead of dealing with it. Eighteen years later, here we are dealing with the aftermath of something that should have been resolved a long time ago."

"I know I've made a horrible mess of things. There isn't much I wouldn't do to turn back time and erase what I've done. Your mistake was painful but I made it ten times worse. It never had to be this way. What kind of idiot holds a grudge for eighteen years over something as stupid as a kiss? I've had to live with crushing guilt for so many years and I won't do it any longer," Lilian said, shaking her head sadly. She looked down at her hands, feeling vulnerable in the scrutiny of his gaze. "In the rare moments when I thought of you during our time apart, I wondered if we would still be together if I had forgiven you. As a young girl I never imagined that we would _not_ be in love. I was naive to believe that life is so certain. With everything going on now... Voldemort and the Order, I can no longer stand aside and let my life be ruled by frustration towards you. I want to move forward, but I can't do that until I've apologized. So, in my long winded way, this is my apology both to you and myself. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry."

It had been such a long time since Lilian had said something so faithful to what was in her heart. Hearing Remus say what she had been feeling yesterday had been eye opening for her but saying it out loud, to Sirius no less, evoked an incredible feeling in her. A feeling unlike any she was familiar with settled over her like snow on a winter's afternoon. She felt... calm. In this moment, for the first time in her life, everything felt _right_. It was as if chains had been lifted off of her shoulders. Lilian sat up straighter in her chair as she felt a small smile making it's way to her lips.

"Damn," she said with a relieved chuckle. "That felt good."

"I'd be lying if I said you didn't catch me off guard," Sirius said quietly after several moments. He ran a hand through his unkempt hair. Even though his body language was still tense, he seemed more relaxed than he had before.

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't catch _myself_ off guard. The words just came out," she admitted with a shrug. "Look, Sirius... you don't have to forgive me for anyth–"

"I'm going to interrupt you before you finish that sentence," Sirius said with a frown. "Because you and I both know that's absurd. I made the decision to forgive you the moment I walked through that door and saw you for the first time in years. With the way you first reacted to me, I knew there'd be outbursts and arguments so I just tried to grit my teeth and bear it. I'd hoped you would come around eventually. And, well, here we are."

Lilian's frown matched Sirius' own. "I'm trying to work on that."

"I suppose you're off to the right start then," Sirius said, and he hesitated for a second before speaking again. "I appreciate your honesty. I feel like I owe you the truth, but this won't be easy for me either."

Lilian studied Sirius in the quiet moments before he spoke again. He was visibly apprehensive and appeared a bit uneasy, but he wasn't guarded like he had been earlier. In that moment, she felt as if she could see a side of him that she couldn't before – a tormented man who was trying desperately to make peace with his internal demons. Lilian couldn't even begin to fathom the horrendous things Sirius had to endure as a prisoner in Azkaban, but she didn't have to. She could see them on his face and in his tired gray eyes. He was out of Azkaban and away from the dementors, but he had ended up back in a place Lilian knew he despised with all of his being. What a cruel punishment it was to escape from one prison only to be forced into another. As if that wasn't enough, Sirius was on the run from practically everyone and unable to assist with anything in the Order. Couple that with the fact that he was most likely isolated in the house a majority of the time... Lilian could only imagine what it was doing to him. She felt an ache of compassion for Sirius and a wave of guilt washed over her. If only she hadn't been so stupid, so selfish, she could have seen these things before. Lilian was so absorbed in the downward spiral of her thoughts that she was surprised to hear Sirius' voice again. It was quiet and he was clearly battling with himself to get the words out, but at least the words were there.

"What I did... I've regretted it every day of my life. As soon as I saw your face I knew I had lost you. The horrified look you gave me when you found me kissing Evelyn has stayed with me until this day. I was naive, immature, and hot-headed and I didn't _think_ before making that decision. I never would have imagined that I would lose you, especially not by my own hand. When I was in Azkaban–" he hesitated, struggling with his words. "–The memory of that heartbroken look on your face and your agonizing sobs racked me down to the depth of my soul. It almost broke me. I would give anything to take it all back and start over, but I'm glad I have the chance now to tell you how sorry I am. I honestly didn't believe I would ever see you again and even if by some stroke of luck I could, I knew it would take tooth and nail to get you to listen to me. After a string of terrible luck and even worse circumstances, by some miracle we're actually making amends. Thank you for giving me a chance, Lilian. I appreciate the sacrifice you've made to come here and be transparent with me. It means more to me than you realize."

Sirius didn't have to tell Lilian how much it meant to him because she could see it in his eyes. As he spoke, the grief that she had seen earlier was replaced with hope. That hope alone told Lilian how much he appreciated her being there... but for the second time she couldn't help but feel guilty for what she had put him through. Sirius' life hadn't exactly been perfect – it was a long shot from it – and Lilian was regretful that she had been the source of much of his grief. But what he said held true – at least now they had the chance to move forward. No matter what had been done, the past was the past and she refused to repeat it. She and Sirius had finally made amends and that thought alone began to overshadow her grief. An uncharacteristically shy smile found its way to Lilian's lips as she looked as Sirius in a new light for the first time.

"Thank you, Sirius," Lilian said softly. "I'm glad we finally see eye to eye after all of these years."

Sirius' eyes sparkled with gratification. The shadows in his eyes were gone and for the first time he looked truly delighted. Lilian was glad to see that look on his face, even if she thought it might only last a little while.

"Me too, Lilian."


End file.
